when someone becomes verbally or physically violent towards or in front of me, i imagine them this small —-> . <—-, and it becomes quite the humorous show for a moment. i find aggression, hate, and acts or anger in a human a complete loss of power… and instantly see them transform into a teeny tiny insignificant being, powerless, and weak. sometimes i laugh at first, not to be malicious, but because i don’t understand living any other way than with peace and freedom. you cannot fight life’s circumstances, or irrationality… you just have to be. when you release yourself of all bounds, ignorance, stress, anger, and insecurities… you become so free… that when you’re upset- it doesn’t consume you. you feel it, but it’s more of an occasional itch than a rash that constantly needs scratching for temporary liberation.
circumstances aside- beau raised his voice the loudest and most aggressive it has ever been (we have never yelled at one another for the year and a half we’ve been together) ” i’m fucking serious, i’m so fucking pissed off right now you better GIVE me that fucking word right now!” seeing indifference in my eyes, he began again with the same stride, with more aggression and slammed our glass door so hard it vibrated the room, my ear drums, and came close to a shatter. not only did i carry the look of indifference, but i truly felt it.. i felt as though nothing had happened, and continued about. he came in again after locking himself in… repeated his last act with a bit more vigor… and i remained as i was.
after trying to get into our room and finding it locked, the only place i could decently walk to barefoot was our front yard. i spent the better half of the evening and spent the evening with the stars, watching them flicker… finding the brightest one. singing some old tunes softly into the evening, and making up stories using the stars as my characters. beau came in and out of outside, more calm than before but still in his manic state. it was on and off like that the entire evening. eventually we spoke about it, but i didn’t want to be near him. we spent the night in the same bed, on opposite sides i cannot help but feel as though i slept with a stranger last night. in the morning i could feel his remorse… he’s been telling me how much he loves me all day. it means nothing when someone showers you with so much attention via the ride of guilt. i can feel he is afraid. maybe our planned trip to joshua tree this weekend will bring him at peace with himself and let go of whatever weights are wearing him.